I never truly expected it but who really does? When you say the words, “I do,” in my mind that means forever. As Prince said, “Forever is a mighty long time.” Somehow that time turned into nine years and now I start over. I can’t really begin to think hateful thoughts to my ex. It’s not like we wanted a divorce. The past six years instead of growing together as one, we went into our separate worlds. This took a toll on me inside because I wanted us to be who we are but in the same I wanted us to be one. I live this warped reality where I think love equals one being. This was not how my ex was or is, and she now seeks her independence.
Although I did not ask for my growing time, I’m not going to fight it. There is so much I want to do and see in this world. I want to write books, stories, blogs, games, stream, visit the UK, visit Japan and Tombstone Arizona. I want to experience the dreams I’ve buried away because I was scared to be myself. I’ve never been one who wants to face confrontation and those dreams always came with a fear of being different or new.
I have not posted in a while because I was dealing with all these emotions. I lost my job, I lost our house, my step son and my wife. I lost the life I knew was so familiar to me and so easy to live. However today almost a month apart I’ve realized that life might never have truly been me. Was I masking the everyday with fear or the unknown? It’s quite possible and today is even more scary than yesterday but I still keep going. You have too, you can not let fear and emotion win, that truly is the Dark Side. I totally get why Anakin became Vader, I know sounds pretty damn funny huh?
I’ve not really thought about dating in over ten years. There were times in my life that I did think just maybe someone else out there would be a better fit. Someone would understand my desire to game, stream and be part of a community. Hell they may even understand my love for comic book movies and Star Wars? I don’t know if they’d ever get my passion for writing and history but if they did, that person would be a plus. I never acted on those thoughts and most of the time I just brushed them under the rug, just like the fears I had about our relationship.
I do not hate my ex in any way, she is a really good person with a lot to offer this world. I just feel as though maybe I wasn’t the right one for her. It would also be a lot easier to accept a divorce if you partner was a bad person. The fact that we are both understanding, caring and forgiving makes it even more of an emotional toilet flush. How do I feel? What do I feel? It’s just a giant mess that time has actually helped heal.
Where I was a month ago, is not where I am today? I made #vlogs on my situation each week. I think about six or seven of them. I watched a few and I could feel my confusion and my pain. I looked at myself and thought, “holy shit I’m nowhere near that anymore.” Some I had to just turn off because I couldn’t even understand that pain. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t easy but sometimes as days go by you just feel better. Time does heal.
That’s pretty much the last few weeks or months, my life was turned upside down. I’m back on my feet and working toward my life goals. New job, new house, new person. I’m walking each day and trying to stay active and healthy. I write just a little bit each morning to vent my thoughts. I have a long series of divorce vlogs that I plan on posting on my YouTube.
If you see me around it’s because I’m back into streaming.