Where Have I Been?

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It’s been a rough month, I was furloughed from a job I took five months ago.  The time  without pay, lasted about a week.  I got the call a few days into the furlough, “I’m sorry but we are laying you off.  Times are bad now, we are not getting the work we used to because of the pandemic.”

I’m so sorry my employer but all I hear in my head is “blah, blah, blah.” Just nonsense and excuses but I get it. It’s easy to justify letting us go, when we’re all just numbers in the technology machine and that machine wasn’t making money.

That was about four weeks ago, I still feel a bit angry over it but I believe everything happens for a reason. I have my moments though because I left a very solid job, where I really liked the people, for a so-called “better opportunity.” They gave me more money and the drive was much shorter.  So I was working as I.T. at a law firm for almost a year, when I made the choice, before the pandemic to leave.  That offer was for a high tech government facility, in theory, it was something “big”. You just don’t take a pass on those types of opportunities.  I did it all, for what I thought was the right reason.

Days went by, I was really beating myself up after this endeavor, though I knew it wasn’t my fault deep down. I had no control of it, but something similar happened to me about a year before I got the law firm job. It took me almost three months, to move out of that pit I was in.  I felt like I was reliving it. 

I still can’t get what one of my older bosses said to me after he fired me from a job I had for eight years, out of my head.  “It doesn’t matter if you go to school or study, as long as you don’t make a choice and stick with it, you’ll never be where you want to be.  Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to figure yourself out.”  I still sometimes want to reach out and scream at him but his words still echo my mind. I hate to admit it but maybe he might have been on to something.  Where exactly do my passions lay these days?

I’ve never had a real plan, I never knew what I wanted to do.  I had this dream in high school, I was going to write and travel the world.  Somewhere, I got caught in the circle of life, and I don’t think I ever got back to my dreams.

I now look at myself and ask the simple question.  What is my passion? Hell, if I know.  I literally just go from idea to idea and right back to the fog.  I think I want to be a graphic designer, a writer, an I.T. specialist, a gamer and streamer.  Last week I was enrolled in college to focus on I.T. security and yesterday I changed my mind.  Is that what I really want? I’m not sure investing thousands of dollars into a field, I like, is worth it.

That’s not to say, I won’t still do it but at this moment I’m in the fog again about life.  I just picked up a new job and I’m thankful for this.  Though I think I might have to pick up a second job to get me out of a bind.  Needless to say, I’ve been a bit confused and just trying to focus.  I took a break from gaming. Streaming and writing.  

Let’s face it, I’ll never break too long from writing.  It seems to be the one thing I have that lets me create and express.  It’s always been my true passion, no matter how many times I walk away and forget.  I’ve written eight chapters of a novel and took a break.  Even today, I can already feel ideas for the rest of the story, I just need to go back to it.

I feel like lately, not much interests me.  When, I log into a game, do my daily thing, whatever it is and then I log out.  I binge watch shows with my wife on Netflix and my free time is gone.  I’m sure it will go away soon, it always does. I guess we all need a break from gaming once in a while. 

During the unemployment time, I did hit Affiliate on Twitch. That was pretty damn cool, I have to say. I love gaming and chatting with people. It still shocks me that people actually listen and watch me. Where was this technology years ago when I started gaming? Like back in 1990, the good old days. 

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