I’ve always closed my eyes and saw my life. I was wandering through a forest with watering streams. I only carried a journal or a laptop and some water. Materials to survive, and write. These forests, lined with trees and brush, once the land of native Americans. I could still see them running through this area, dressed in colors and trimmed with feathers, peaceful and energetic.
I look at my surroundings and I see past lives. They float upon the rocks and the treetops, moving in a swift pass with the soft blowing wind. I know none of this is real but I always tend to see what isn’t in front of me. When I was standing in the dense forests of North Carolina, I saw explorers and past battles. I saw a Confederate, he was roaming the forest and trying to find sanctuary during a skirmish. I could see Native American’s in hunts of deer and tending to their villages. Beautiful Native American women in brown deer skin dresses, cleaning skins in the streams that aligned next to the village.
It’s kind of a curse and a blessing to be able to imagine things. It’s great for description but a terror for your mind. I’ve been at a loss with my direction for sometime. I have a great ability to laugh at the world even if it gives me the most dramatic curve ball. Yet I know I was meant for more than I have achieved standing here today, but I just get up each day and play a part in the routine. Today, I still recall my parents saying, “you can’t always do what you want to do.” Maybe that’s not the most accurate advice for someone living in the clouds but I always felt my passions would lead me into the life I wanted.
I saw myself as a writer and a historian. It was hard, I loved them both, pretty equal but I never exactly did much to progress those skills. It’s funny how I could imagine all these things from the past and put it in words, to create a universe to a reader but in my reality I only saw today. What was I doing today?
How was I going to make it through this insanity of Information Technology craziness? Where every down PC, bounce back email or broken hard drive was the loss of good found company money? I just answered the only way I knew how, laugh, fix the issue and move on to the next one. While I dreamed of maybe one day writing this epic story of a Native American woman falling in love with a colonist settler, as a war for independence tore their lives apart. I could see the whole story falling line to line in tremendous detail.I could write it all down and I know it would be described in such a way, people would want to keep reading. At least the confidence in my own head tells me it would be. That’s a rare thing to me, because I hardly find confidence when it comes to things.
I had a small set back last week that once again changed the plans I’ve given myself. Thanks to this disaster we’re going through in this world, I’m back again looking for work. I had made my mind up and I had a plan for my future. Right now, it’s about to change yet again. I’ll confuse myself a dozen more times, while I try to make this choice. I think the universe is trying to tell me something about the last twenty years. I might be crazy for believing this but I really do believe it’s trying to make me realize something. Just maybe I’ve been taking the wrong roads and that’s why I keep rerouting through abnormal twists. All I know is I’m truly sick of not living my passions.