I find it grueling each day to wonder exactly what my purpose is. The curse of an INFP. You would think at 44, I would have the answer to this question but I’m no not even close. There is always so much doubt and confusion in my own mind. Sometimes it’s just hard to step foot into reality, because I’m viewing the untrue.
You see I don’t see the obvious, I never have. My mind always paints a picture of what it thinks is right there in front of me. I have to sometimes stop, in mid thought and focus. I have to remind myself, that is not true and just a false reality of my personal thoughts. Aka, fake shit my my mind made up.
If I was to question our reality, I guess it would best compare to The Matrix. A classic movie about a simulated world.
“I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.” – Morpheus.
Oh, that line always hits me hard with thoughts. Makes me think about the media, the world, computers, people and so much more. Tell me that movie didn’t make you think? I recall leaving the theatre and thinking to myself, is this world real? Dumb shit for sure but I definitely remembe thinking it.
I’m a very good story teller, to the point where I can create fiction in my own mind. I can create nonsense, sometimes that is truly nonexistent and that drives me crazy. When I catch myself doing it, I stop it with a simple phrase in my head. “You are making that crap up, you don’t know what they’re thinking.”
Now that’s some screwed up stuff, I guess but it keeps for a good story. Like the time I borrowed a movie from Blockbuster and forgot to return it. I figured in my head they chase me down, every time I walked in there. I was too scared to return it. Did they really know me? Did they really care that I made a mistake? Well they went out of business but I’m sure it wasn’t from the one movie, I forgot to return.
Maybe another good example, would be my indecision making, when it comes to video games. While in my long career as an altoholic, in World of Warcraft, I deleted many characters and asked Blizzard Entertainment to restore them (this was before the restore function we have now.)
After doing this several times, they finally told me “no.” My mind then decided to devise a picture of Blizzard Headquarters, a giant sized, wanted poster, with my face plastered to it and the words. “No restores allowed,” printed upon it.
Again, did they really care? Sure they probably thought I was crazy. They might not have been far off, but the point I’m trying to make here is that the wanted poster wasn’t real (at least to my knowledge.)
Maybe this kind of shit, is something you grew up into. Watching and learning behaviors from those in our lives. It’s not something you even realize you’re doing. It’s something you inherited through youth to adult, from your family and friends.
It’s definitely hard to distinguish fantasy from reality at times but your intuition will always remind you. Conversations will always bring you back and at the same time, make you wonder. Those talks will bring up things you said or did, then you’ll sit there thinking to yourself. How was that interpreted that way, how did I miss that?
Sometimes you just don’t have the answers and you can learn. Take each thought and each real life reaction and don’t let it define your future. Just build upon who you are from. Those experiences.